Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Vile Foods

It would seem that anyone who has known me for more than thirty seconds knows my least favorite food: canned peas.  Of course my hatred of this concoction goes far beyond I-don't-care-for-it and into I'd-rather-eat-the-can-they-came-in territory.
Same look, taste, and smell as rabbit poo
Last year my mom gave me some excess protein powders that she had and one of them tasted like dirt and I still had a (slightly) easier time choking it down than canned peas (it goes without saying what one of the ingredients was).

This is low hanging fruit though because lots of people hate canned peas, maybe not quite as much as myself, but still.  Why do you think that 'veg-all' is a fan favorite for pantry cleaning canned food drives?  Because it has been contaminated with nasty little green orbs and now just tastes like a multi-colored can of peas.  Beyond that I'm not a picky eater (unfortunately) but some acquaintances do wonder if even have any other food hang-ups.  A few come to mind:

  • Canned lima beans come in second to canned peas, but they still sport much of that nasty taste because their delicate sugars have been nuked into some horrible amino acid stew by the heat of the canning process.
  • Dinner dishes that have fruit in them (especially raisins which always cook up like something that comes out of my cat).  I can get past pineapple somewhat for short periods of time, kind of like if your buddy is listening country music in the car for a fifteen minute drive.  But cherries on chicken?  Raspberry gravy?  Disgusting.  
  • On a related note, I'll include Indian curry dishes that have coconut milk in them (which would be most of them); nasty.  Tastes like someone was making you a piña colada and accidentally dropped a day-old, over-spiced chicken into the blender.
  • For fast food the McRib is pretty nasty, but I can choke one down before remembering how bad they are.  The McDonald's fish sandwiches though?  That's like some hate crime against us Catholics.
  • Any piece of chicken that has even the faintest feather still sticking out from the skin.  I can't relate the number of times I've almost lost my cookies at a bar when I've been sober enough to notice this on chicken wings.  (I don't know if that counts since it's not even a taste/texture thing as my solution is to just not look).
  • Banana 'flavored' stuff, such as banana fry pies, taffy, etc.  Inevitably tastes like banana juice that's been aged in a can of WD-40.
  • Those assorted 'chocolates' with any filling that isn't brown colored or coconut.  You know the ones I'm talking about: those nasty, cheap chocolates full of some florescent pink or yellow colored goop.  Chocolate-fruit combos generally aren't a big thing for me, but that stuff, well, everyone hates that stuff I guess.
  • This one might surprise: tea.  Yes I drink one glass every day for (real) health reasons, but I think it's nasty.  It's kind of like if you were given to chew tobacco but you decided to make juice out of your slobber.  I've conditioned myself to drink it, but if I didn't have to I wouldn't, ever again.
Then there are those things that many people hate that I don't have an issue with:
  • Anything with too much vinegar in it.  Pickles, sauces, etc.  Hot sauce is a beverage, not a condiment.  (However, the dinner/fruit rule must be obeyed.  I once had a jar of Indian picked limes which was it's own special sort of horror; I'd still have them over canned peas though).
  • Peanut butter and anything, or even better yet, just peanut butter.  (Note though that the fruit/dinner rule again comes into play here.  If someone goes all peanut happy on some Thai dish then it starts to taste like some peanut butter and shrimp sandwich).
  • Cottage cheese.  Like peanut butter, I can eat a tub of this fatty product fairly easily if I'm not careful.
  • Buttermilk.  A coworker was amazed that I drink the stuff as she always pitches it after she uses what she needs for a recipe.
  • Unflavored soy milk, which is a challenge to find at times.
  • Fruitcake, which I avoid like the plague because each tablespoon has enough calories to keep a man alive for a week and I can eat a whole one in one sitting just like that woman eating a block of cheese.
  • Past due goods.  What a crock, tasting is believing.
Not in either list are alcoholic products, such as Jägermeister.  If you think they taste bad, that means that you haven't drank the proper quantity yet (but there are exceptions to even this rule). 


Richard McNutt said...

You forgot liver. I love it nut most of the rest of the family gags when the try to eat it.(usually only once when they were very young). I have been known to order liver and onions at a restaurant just to gross out everyone else.

Evil Sandmich said...

The editor in me trimmed it up a bit, but I almost put a list of things on there that I hated as a kid but like now. Stuffed green peppers and soy sauce spring to mind as things that I detested as a kid but consume regularly now.

Liver almost fits into that group. I don't mind it and can eat it over short distances. Mrs. Sandmich cured me of this I think when she introduced me to deep fried chicken livers which are crazy tasty. I also once made a fried beef liver steak that was coated with a flour/curry powder mix; not bad either. The liver is probably my least favorite of the turkey innards, but I still don't have an issue eating it with the rest, etc. However, as you probably know, there is barely anything worse for you to eat than liver and I can't bring myself to eat it knowing that there's not a prayer of that cholesterol ever leaving my system.

However, I did leave out one item that I'm amazed that I forgot: water chestnuts. I know they have no flavor (which actually is rather unappealing itself), but it's the texture that gets me: I feel like I'm eating a dish that some nice crunchy roaches have snuck into. I have much less of a problem with them if they're cut up small and mixed with other vegetables that have the same texture

rungirl34 said...

I will eat a can of peas before I put liver anywhere near my mouth. That stuff is vile no matter how you coat it. I remember getting the tiniest piece in some stuffing one time and I almost lost my entire Thanksgiving dinner.

I don't get the fruit in dinners either. I don't even like it in my salad--just doesn't make sense. Of course, my favorite snack is peanut-butter-on-a-spoon.