Sunday, November 21, 2004

The ConAgra Way of the Gun

(That's right, it's time for another recycled article. For anyone who is curious, I'm pulling these articles off the old web site I hosted off a machine at my house that was hooked up to a DSL line. Of course, except for Mr. Kendall, no one else ever bothered to read them, which was a good thing since 90% of my bandwidth was dedicated to downloading anime boots doing work from home).

Not too long ago, Ohio finally passed a law to allow citizens to carry concealed firearms. Now it goes without saying that this caused much consternation in more ignorant liberal corners of the state; and of course I happen to live in one of those corners. The immediate concern was that people who weren't previously given to carry firearms, would all of the sudden get a hankering to bring them into work.

The concern is all the greater at my current workplace. The place was subjected to bomb threats a few years ago after a management mistake cost many workers a pile of money and their jobs (to be fair, it wasn't the current management team, and many other workers got rich off the mistake). I personally wouldn't blame management from carrying firearms, and I would think them all the wiser for doing so, but of course they had better ideas.

What could best be described as panic ensued at my workplace when the Ohio state house passed the concealed carry bill. Form letters were written up for employees to sign; form letters which made it abundantly clear in no fewer than five paragraphs not to bring firearms or illegal(duh) weapons onto the property. I'll have you know I signed that and turned it in with as much haste as the non-compete agreement a previous employer tried to...I mean, made me sign, yeah, that's the ticket! As well, signs kind'a (well, exactly) like this one were posted all over the property:

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Now of course my first logical thought was something along the lines of "now that'll stop those raving lunatics looking to shoot up the place!" My second thought was something like "could they have found a lamer firearm to put a line through? I mean no Glock or HK?"

Unfortunately, the sign led to a grim chuckle when, months later, some raving lunatic went in and shot up the ConAgra plant he worked at in Kansas. The pictures outside of the scene were all like this:

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Well would you look at that! Didn't that loon bother to read that sign? I mean, it says no firearms; he could've brought a knife in or something though I guess.

Of course that stupid sign is small solace to family members who had a loved one gunned down that day. In their memory, I've made a slightly better sign that I promise will be every bit as effective:

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